Chapter Eleven: Outside

Christopher has thought a lot about his mortality after the magician attempted to kill him. He knows he will not live forever; he hoped to live on to eighty or ninety but now feels with the added stress factor, he might live to only seventy. He takes another sip of his personal soda and opens another can. There are cans strewn all across the floor. He stares at a piece of paper that had been taped together.

“Now do you understand, Rabbichoso, you always obey your father!” Christopher commands.

“Yes, father,” Rabbichoso responds.

“I think people can learn a valuable lesson from this,” Christopher says as he decides to turn on the camera.

“Attention future fathers-to-be, if you are like me and haven’t found your perfect future wife, you can always practice to be a better father when that time comes. You want to practice with a fake son; you can draw one, take your favorite stuffed animal or use one of your friend’s children to learn how to be a better father. For example, Rabbichoso and I just had a big fight and I hit him. Now I know not to do that when I actually become a father for my future daughter because taping together pieces of paper is very hard to do.”

He shuts off the camera and looks at the checklist of things to do as prepared by the janitor. Christopher sees no differences from yesterday’s checklist: Sleep, eat, sleep; however, there was one minor addition, strengthen foreign relations.

Christopher has no idea what to do so he turns to Fighting Rabbichoso, “You are my Secretary of State; how do you feel about strengthening our foreign relations?”

Fighting Rabbichoso stares at Christopher and then responds, “It is necessary to spread the goodwill of the United States to purge the infidels from those blasphemous countries, my master.”

“You’re right Fighting Rabbichoso! I will get on it right away!”

He takes a look on the world map on the wall; many of the countries are quite new to him and it is very difficult for him to understand the separate crises that each country faces.

“Fighting Rabbichoso, let’s pick China.”

Christopher picks up the phone to make a call and a staff member answers.

“Wei, zhe shi sei? (Hello, who is this?)”

“Hello, this is Christopher Winnfield Vega, I would like to speak to the leader of China.”

“Bai tuo le. (For Christ’s sake.) Hold on for a few second, thank you. Huanghe, mei guo de da bai tzi yao ni. (Huanghe, America’s big idiot wants you.)”

A few seconds later, Huanghe answers the phone.

“Hello Christopher, we have heard many things about your leadership in America. I would like to congratulate you on your victory.”

“Thank you, who is this?”

“This is Hu Huanghe, the president of China.”

“Yeah, I would like to strengthen our foreign relations,” mentions Christopher.

“Yes, that would be good for our countries to be able to maintain a good relationship. What do you have in mind?”

“I do not know, what do you think we should do?”

“In China’s great interest, it would be best to claim Taiwan as part of China. When one of your former presidents revoked the One China policy, it really strengthened the Taiwanese independence movement. We would be glad if you could reinstate that.”

“I see, why do the Taiwanese people want to be independent?” Christopher asks.

After a lengthy discussion with him, Christopher understands the history between the two countries.

“So, when the Taiwanese people invaded during World War II, they took a lot of your video games and pirated them across the seas?”

“Yes, that is exactly right Christopher,” Huanghe responds.

“I will do my best to strengthen foreign relations with China,” says Christopher as he ends the phone call.

Christopher decides to nuke Taiwan. A few minutes later he gets a phone call from the president of China.

“Hello, this is Christopher Winnfield Vega; may I ask who is calling?”

“This is Hu Huanghe! Why did you do that?”

“Who are you?”

“I am the president of China! Did you already forget?!”

“Hello, I thought about the history between China and Taiwan and decided that anyone who pirates video games should be punished with death.”

After a long pause, Huanghe responds, “I see.”

The call is dropped as Christopher begins making another phone call to South Korea. In minutes, he is talking with the president of South Korea.

“What are you doing Christopher?” the president shouts angrily, “You just bombed Taiwan! There is nothing left of that country!”

“I did what was best for strengthening United States foreign relations.”

“You are the last country on Earth with nuclear weapons, every country agreed to dispose of all of their devices yet you have made our worst fears come true! We can’t trust Americans!”

“Are you saying my actions were wrong? Do you support Taiwan?”

“Of course we support Taiwan; they are one of our biggest markets!”

“I see,” Christopher hangs up the phone.

Without hesitation, he nukes South Korea as well. Anyone who is pirating video games or is friends with a person who pirates video games should be sentenced to death. He soon receives a call from the president of North Korea thanking him for dealing with that annoying country to the south. Christopher asks what country is south of North Korea and the call ends.

Christopher picks up the phone to call the prime minister of the United Kingdom.

“Hello, this is Christopher Winnfield Vega, and I would like to strengthen our foreign relations.”

“What?” replied the prime minister, “You just bombed two countries! What is wrong with you?”

“They were countries who were asking for it. If they are going to pirate, they will have to speak with me!”

“I can’t believe this. Americans first elect you and now you’re going crazy!” the prime minister shouts.

“I am not crazy!”

“Right, you are not crazy,” says the prime minister with fear, “You know, I agree, those countries were, in fact, asking for it.”

“Are there any problems with your country?”

“Not really, I mean the people complain about the Polish taking jobs away but that’s nothing huge, no big deal.”

“Okay, I will bomb Poland,” says Christopher without any hesitation.

“No! Forget about Poland!” the prime minister screams.

A few minutes later, the country of Poland ceases to exist. Christopher ends the conversation with the United Kingdom’s prime minister. Christopher decides that he has been doing an excellent job strengthening foreign relations and takes a three hour nap. Within those three hours, many messages are left for Christopher but they go unanswered. The janitor tosses the answering machine away and installs a new one. By then, most people have assumed Christopher had committed suicide so he wakes up to no messages on the answering machine.

“I was expecting people to compliment me on my good job of being president today but no one left a call for me!” Christopher whines.

He decides to make a phone call to Iraq.

“Hello, this is Christopher Winnfield Vega, I would like to speak to the president of Iraq.”

A few minutes later, the president answers, “Oh, it is always a pleasure to speak with the president of the United States. After all, we owe you so much after you liberated us from the shackles of dictatorship and gave us democracy.”

“Yes, so, how can we strengthen foreign relations between us?” asked Christopher.

“You can always send us money. We will always accept money from the United States.”

“I currently do not have anyone in charge of America’s finances so I can not do that.”

“Well, Christopher, you can help us in other ways, we have a list of countries that we finds despicable and we would request that you bomb them.”

“Sure!” he replies with great enthusiasm.

By the time Christopher finishes his crusade, a fifth of the world no longer exists. Many countries declare a state of emergency knowing that there is not enough time to prepare for a nuclear weapon. Not many people even remember the existence of those weapons until Christopher began using them again. The whole world is set into a state of panic. They never thought Christopher could ever reach them.

A child in Canada decides to not go to school today. He looks outside staring up at the sky.

“Why aren’t you getting ready for school?” asks the child’s mother.

“Mom, what will happen when the United States decides to attack us?”

“He won’t, honey, we have always had a good relationship with the United States. Do not think much of it, dear. Just please go to school.”

“Fine, mom.”

The child heads off to school while the mother prepares a bomb shelter. She must keep it a secret from her child; after all, he is just going to waste precious resources.

The child heads to school and meets up with his best friend.

“Hey,” says his friend.

“Hi,” the child responds dejectedly.

“What’s wrong, buddy?”

“I don’t know. My mom says that the United States won’t attack us, but I fear that it is still going to happen.”

“Strange, that’s what my parents said this morning. Don’t sweat it; I’m sure that we won’t get attacked. No one cares about Canada.”

“That’s right, thanks friend.”

The child goes to class to find that the teacher did not show up for work. Only the custodian shows up and just stares at the children in each classroom. He passes by each room, sighs, and moves on the next one.

“This is weird,” says the child, “The teacher seems to be gone and there’s no substitute.”

“Maybe the teacher’s sick,” responds his friend, “there is that bug going around, you know.”

“Well, what are we supposed to do?”

“I don’t know. This has never happened.”

The children all decide to go outside and play in the snow. They decide to have a snowball fight and they all soon stare at the sky and make snow angels.

“This is fun! I wish we didn’t have teachers!” exclaims the child.

“Yeah, man. Unlimited recess is great!” replies his friend.

“I could just stare up at the sky all day, look at those clouds.”

“I see a rabbit!”

“I see cotton candy!”

The two laugh as they point out the various objects in the sky. The children are lost in their laughter.

“That’s weird, I’ve never seen something like that,” says the child.

“There are so many of those things. It doesn’t look like hail.”

“This isn’t hail, is it?”

Christopher sits around in his office. He hasn’t strengthened foreign relations for about an hour. He needs to do something to make him seem like a better president. He still appears to be upset about not receiving any calls. He deserved those calls. He looks at all the past presidents and sees all the awards they get from foreign countries.

“Hey janitor, do you think I am a good president?” Christopher asks.

“Yes, Christopher. Of course you are.”

“Are you sure? I never got any congratulatory calls.”

“Oh, well, maybe you should make some more phone calls; it takes more than a few hours work to get any recognition these days.”

“You’re right!” as he dials in the number for Brazil’s president, “Hello, this is Christopher Winnfield Vega; I would like to speak to your president.”

“Hold on for a minute.”

“This is Luiz Franco, president of Brazil, what do you want?”

“I would like to strengthen foreign relations between us.”

“There is absolutely nothing you can do for our country or for anyone else’s.”

“What do you mean; I have helped many countries out today!” Christopher exclaims.

“You didn’t do anything. Please do not contact us, we are busy today.”

Christopher hangs up the phone with a face full of anger. How dare that country decide to completely ignore all of his accomplishments, he thinks to himself. He decides to look on the map for Brazil as he decides if that country can’t acknowledge his accomplishments, that country is obviously a terrorist state. He finds Brazil on the map and presses the button to bomb it.

“Are you sure?” asks the screen.

Christopher types in yes and the missile to bomb Brazil takes off. Christopher finds himself thirsty after getting up to type in yes and picks up a soda from the table. He accidentally spills some soda on the screen.

A child in Canada continues to stare at the sky looking at all of those mysterious objects in the sky.

“My mother lied to me,” is the last thing the child says.

Chapter Twelve: Brimley

Christopher goes into the deep basement to check on his half-brother Jones.

“How are you doing half-brother, you girlfriend-stealer!” he shouts as Jones closes his eyes.

“Christopher, for the last time, I never stole your girlfriend. She was never your girlfriend to begin with. She was not destined to be your future wife. Love does not work that way. You have to earn it. It won’t just be handed to you on a silver platter,” Jones rambles, “Christopher, you have to stop this. Let me go. Please, for the good of the world, stop doing this.”

“You are just jealous because mother never loved you.”

“That’s not it Christopher. Listen to me, you bastard! This has nothing to do with you at all. I just happened to like how Melanie talked. She opened up to me and I found her life to be fascinating. You would be surprised to the amount of similarities between us.”

Christopher cuts off Jones, “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I love Melanie way more than you do! You just do it for the hanky-panky, the horizontal tango, hitting the hay, the wango tango, the bonus round of love, rocking the room, tasting the heavens, you know!”

“Jesus Christopher. You really have no experience at all with any type of relationship with any woman, do you? I mean, no one uses those euphemisms, I haven’t even heard of half of those. Christ man, you really need to let me go and step down as president.”

“Never!” Christopher shouts, “I am the best president ever; Rabbichoso said so!”

“Listen to me, Rabbichoso is not real. He does not exist. He only exists in your twisted imagination,” says Jones as he attempts to get through to Christopher, “Let it all go. There is much more to live for than that creation.”

“I am real!” shouts Rabbichoso as Christopher holds up the picture to Jones’s face.

“No, he’s not Christopher.”

“He is real! He just said so!” responds Christopher.

Jones just stares at Christopher before continuing.

“Why, Christopher? Why did you do all this? Why are you doing these things? I never understood you when we were younger and now I fear it’s too late to make any amends. Just tell me why.”

“Love is twisted,” says Christopher coldly.

“What?”

“Love is twisted. It is not about care, tenderness or heart. It is about hanky-panky with dykes and homos. Love and its twisted ways are torturing the innocent man. Do you understand? In this world, all I have ever done was show women that not all men are complete jerks, that there is a small chance that they can meet me, the most kind and caring man in this world. I know what women want; however, they sway to you men with all of your money and your good looks. They are not happy! They will be happy with me! All the homosexuals in this world are trying to convert me and all the pretty girls to their side! This is why God is angry with the world. I hate gay people; they just want to ruin relationships between true, straight couples. They tempt me all the time. Every time I step outside, I see them and the way they continuously tempt me to join their side. With the way they talk and the way they walk and the way the look and the way they touch. Everything is torturing me. It’s so hard to stay on the straight path that God intended with them existing. I wish Satan would just stop controlling them so they can be straight!”

Christopher pauses for a moment while Jones just stares at Chris.

“Love is twisted. Stress, frustration, pain and anger are all I feel when I have to deal with love. All my failures before I met my one, true love Melanie have added to my stress. I could hardly ever go outside because of the fear that they would say they already have a boyfriend! Those men make me sick. All that frustration of being told time and time again that they already had a boyfriend! I hate those men! I wish they would all die! I respect no man except for myself who knows the true wants of a woman. It pains me to see all those unhappy girls walking with those men who are constantly trying to just get it on with them. What bastards! All of this culminates into anger. That is all I have ever felt since Melanie was taken away by the police. Those cops. They took away everything I ever wanted in this world! They are the ones who deserve the most punishment! No, you deserve the most punishment. You took away her virginity! You took away my wife, my child and my love!”

Jones slowly looks up at Christopher, “I do not understand why you turned out this way Christopher. Please stop. I beg of you. If it makes you feel any better, I was not her first. Please, let me go. We’re siblings, please.”

“Shut up! Stop lying! You took away Melanie. I will show her what a real man can do!”

“Christopher. Do you honestly think Melanie could ever love you?”

“Of course, we had the first connection ever since that game of Rocket Flingers. It is in the stars! We were meant to be together, forever!”

“You never listen do you?”

Christopher pauses for a moment.

“Brother, do you know why I hate you so much? You have everything while I have nothing. You don’t deserve any of your fame, your money or Melanie.”

“I worked for it. I had to start off with nothing. I worked for a few small companies and got my name spread around. Years went by and I finally became known as Jones Brimley to the entire world, what have you done Christopher?”

“You know I can’t do that! Everyone in the world is keeping me down from reaching my true potential, including you! This is why I hate you so much, you always kept me down when I was younger!”

“That’s not true! Sure, I may have not spent much time with you, but I never went out of the way to suppress you.”

“Remember that time you came home and you showed your report card to Dad? You had all As. When I showed my report card with my 2 Fs, Dad was angry. You always tried to be better than me and keep me down!”

“Christopher, those were just grades. I don’t want to fail, no one does. You should have tried harder and get As like me, it’s not my fault that you failed!”

“Maybe so, but those teachers, they make me sick. They always wanted to keep me down! They gave me As in the beginning and then they lowered my grade time and time again until I had an F. They wanted to see me fail so I couldn’t succeed in life!”

“Do you not understand how school works? You never did the assignments properly. You just talked about video games and how you were looking for your true love. I told you to just do what the teacher asked but you never listened. You’ve never listened to anyone your entire life. You think you know it all, but you don’t!”

“I listen to people. I listen to my cabinet members.”

“Christopher! Those are just figments of your imagination! You’re still only listening to yourself. Please, stop this for the love of God.”

“Black Rabbichoso tells me I should silence you.”

“What?”

“Maybe I will. I don’t like listening to you!”

“I’m trying to help you Christopher! Why are you trying to block out people who trying to help you?”

“You’re still telling me lies.”

“When people don’t say what you want to hear, you automatically assume it’s bad. It’s not, Christopher. Can’t you see things for what they are worth rather than just immediately disregarding it?”

“Enough, Jones. I am tired of talking to you. I am really stressed out now.”

“How can you be stressed out by this?”

“I just am.”

Christopher returns to the main room to fall asleep. The janitor wakes him up as Christopher must deliver his daily announcement. It is two in the morning and the camera is set on him.

“Hello, citizens of the United States. My name is Christopher Winnfield Vega, president of the United States. I am here to announce the newest member of my cabinet, Black Rabbichoso. He will be our new Secretary of Defense. He used to be a high ranking member of an evil organization but I convinced him to join the good side. He has a lot of experience dealing with armies and will help defend United States from all of those terrorists.”

Christopher dangles the picture of Black Rabbichoso in front of the camera as he speaks, “My name’s Black Rabbichoso, but you call me Thomas. I prefer that name. I used to evil, but I decided to see the good side after realizing that my priorities in life were all wrong. Also, I’m single ladies. Let me show you my dark side.”

Christopher starts shaking the picture, “Look at how bad I am. Come on ladies, you totally dig this.”

The janitor sighs and takes the pictures of Holy and Water Bunnichoso over to the camera as well.

Christopher does a falsetto as he speaks as Holy Bunnichoso, “Oh, he is so bad, but what a dreamboat! I feel so attracted to how bad he is! He’s so bad.”

“Holy Bunnichoso!” angrily responds Water Bunnichoso, “You’re supposed to follow God’s path!”

“But Water Bunnichoso, look at that badness.”

“You’re right Holy Bunnichoso, I can’t stand it! I must have him!”

The three pictures begin to run into each other as Christopher makes noises indicating the two girls are fighting over Thomas. Soon the picture of Psychic Rabbichoso moves over to the camera as well.

“He really is bad,” says Psychic Rabbichoso, “but I’m complimenting him. I’m not attracted to his badness or anything. It’s just noting how bad he is. It’s…it’s not that I like him or anything. It’s just that he’s so bad. Remember, I’m straight!”

The picture of Psychic Rabbichoso moves out of the way of the camera to show Thomas alone by himself.

“You see, I’m really bad, but not evil. I’m still single, I can’t just see two girls and decide right then. I need to see all the ladies. Anyway, I am the Secretary of Defense and I’m bad.”

Christopher ends his announcement there and thanks the janitor for helping. The janitor shuffles on out and sweeps the hallway.

Everyone in the car is asleep except for Shana and Vivian.

“Vivian, have you studied the map?” asked Shana.

“Yes, Christopher’s handwriting is terrible but it does systematically explain how to enter the underground basement.”

“Vivian, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, shoot.”

“When this is all over, what will you do?”

“I don’t know,” Vivian pauses, “I’m not doing this for fame. I want to kill him because it is necessary. It’s just like that magician said, it’s for the good of the world. There are some people in this world who don’t deserve to live. They contribute nothing to society and only burden those who attempt to. It’s pitiful really.”

“So, nothing huh?”

“Once this is over, I think I want to keep trying to make the world a better place. Gather scientists to figure out the best way to restore the land that Christopher nuked. I don’t want the fame of a leader, but I sure as hell want to make a difference, especially for Kid. She must be traumatized by this entire experience.”

Vivian looks over at Kid who is sleeping against her arm. Kid seems at peace.

Chapter Thirteen: Crushed

“In this pitiful, adult life, love is hell!” Christopher announces to the world, “Melanie must be captured safely! She is the only one who can break my curse!”

Shana turns off the radio and lets the everlasting grinding of pavement take over once again.

“Melanie,” says Mimi, “do you think it is safe for Matt to be travelling with us?”

“I fear people might use him as ransom,” says Melanie, “I used to be so trustworthy of people and then Christopher came along. I don’t even think I could trust my family to take care of Matt.”

“I’m surprised no one has used our extended family as ransom,” mentions Miles.

“Well, no one can bother to do research into family trees nowadays,” says Shana, “America has changed a lot since when I was a kid. I mean, I thought the Internet was pretty crazy but then it became way too immersive for some people. Then with the evolution of the web, no one really cares much for anything but these social networks sites.”

“The disenfranchisement of the human race, it’s pitiful,” utters Miles, “Emotions are stifled simply by using electronic phrases with empty meaning.”

“I never thought zombies existed until now. There are so many people out there to get us and they seem to outnumber the people who want to help us! It just strikes me as depressing, you know?” Shana says.

“When I was raising Vivian,” Mimi interjects, “everyone was so friendly and so kind when she was born. Then when we had Kid, things had begun to change. We received some thanks through e-mail and hardly anyone showed up to congratulate us like in the old days. I never thought that it would really degenerate us into that kind of behavior.”

“At least some people still have emotions,” says Vivian while staring out at the road, “like me, hah, like me. I don’t think of myself as much of a good person, but after seeing what people have tried to do to us. Well, you know.”

“We need more gas!” exclaimed Kid.

“Good eye, Kid,” replied Shana, “Let’s make this quick.”

As Shana refuels the car, the group takes a break and stretches their legs out. The gas station owner notices the group and recognizes the photo Christopher had shown a few days before. He takes his shotgun and goes outside.

“Hold it right there,” he commands.

“Shit,” says Shana.

“Don’t move and don’t do anything. Just put your hands in the air where I can see them.”

Vivian quickly throws a pocket knife and aims it at the man’s arm. The man pulls the trigger and shoots Vivian’s left leg. The man falls over driving the knife deeper into his arm. He then attempts to pull the knife out but instead causes the knife to do more damage.

“Run!” shouts Vivian, “Forget about me!”

“No, sis!” says Kid.

“I’m in no condition to travel, look at this leg. No…don’t, it’s too gruesome. If Jones is still alive, then I’ll be kept alive.”

“Reconsider!” Kid pleads.

The man pulls the knife out and attempts to get back up.

“Go!” shouts Vivian.

Mimi forcibly drags Kid off of Vivian as she is quickly forced into the car.

“We love you!” shouts Mimi and Miles as the car quickly drives off.

The man shoots at the car but misses.

“Well, well, well. Little miss thinks she can prove her worth to her false God by challenging a true American like myself. Well, where is your God now?” he mocks.

“Listen, I’m just as much of an American as you are,” she mutters.

“You take that back, you, you terrorist!”

“Do I look like a terrorist to you?” she smirks.

“Not really, but terrorists can come in all shapes and sizes so I can’t trust you.”

“Fine, just take me to a hospital. After all, you’ll only get the reward if I’m alive.”

The gas station owner drives over to the hospital and soon Secret Service is there to pick Vivian up for delivery. The owner heads back to the gas station only to find the place blown up.

“Those damn terrorists!” he shouts.

Vivian’s leg is too badly injured for her to walk and now she is confined to a wheelchair. She is blindfolded and put onto Christopher’s personal plane.

“Well, another one,” says the copilot, “You’re lucky, we had to knock the last guy out and then realized using a blindfold is just as good.”

“You gentlemen are so kind to me. Won’t you let a lady go?”

“No can do,” says the pilot, “We can’t disobey Christopher. It’s either that or we’re dead. I’d love you let you go, but I guess I’m selfish.”

“Come on, be a hero. Let me go.”

“Look, I have my family to be worried about as well. It’s just one girl or the whole town. Christopher is insane, but it’s the only way I can reason with him to not destroy our town.”

“What did you guys do?” Vivian asks.

“We held a terrible Rabbichoso parade, I begged him to reconsider and this is how I got my job, what about you, Jack?” asks the pilot.

“Same thing, man.”

“Christ. I have my sister to worry about, but a whole town? That’s just terrible. Don’t worry, I don’t blame you guys. By the way, is Jones dead?”

“No, he’s still alive. Christopher plans to keep him alive until he can watch Melanie divorce him and then marry Christopher.”

“What the hell.”

Vivian arrives at Christopher’s basement. She is being led by the pilot of the plane.

“Hello Vivian,” says Christopher as he steps out after taking a shower.

“Were you just taking a shower?”

“Yes I was,” states Christopher.

“Your hair indicates otherwise, it’s so greasy. It makes bacon look lean by comparison.”

“That reminds me, I should eat lunch. Thank you for reminding me, in return, I will allow you to move around freely in your cell.”

Vivian is wheeled away to the bottom basement and sees Jones chained against the wall.

“Vivian?” asks Jones.

“Yes, it’s me. Long story.”

While the two discuss what has happened, Christopher stares at the camera to make an announcement.

“Hello, good news America, one of the Terrorist Four has been captured. Those still at large include Miles, Mimi and Kid. They still have Melanie and Shana! You must bring them back alive at any cost! This has been Christopher Winnfield Vega, signing out.”

Christopher begins to head downstairs and walks over to Vivian.

“Hello, Vivian. You should know me by now, but if you don’t, I am Christopher Winnfield Vega. We used to be neighbors.”

“I know that,” she responds bitterly, “What do you want?”

“I would like to make you into my girlfriend.”

“Make me?”

“Yes, I need to shape you up from the bottom up.”

“Shape me?”

“This is in case the American public can not capture your terrorist friends; if Melanie and Shana are forever gone, I will need to have a back up future wife, just like God intended.”

“First off, we aren’t terrorists. We never were; you just made that up to garner sympathy. Secondly, they are forever gone. They would rather kill themselves than procreate with you.”

“I see. I have no other option than to make you into my girlfriend,” Christopher grumbles.

“What? Pick someone else; I don’t want to be your girlfriend!”

“You are the first woman I have seen in a long time, Vivian. I think you can be pretty if we try hard enough.”

“Oh come on! I’m not even of legal age yet!” angrily yells Vivian.

“I have changed the law. Come with me, time to make you up from the bottom up,” happily announces Christopher.

“What? What is going on? Jones! Help me!” Vivian shouts as she is being wheeled away by Christopher.

“I’m still chained to this wall, remember?”

“Oh yeah,” are the last words Jones could hear from Vivian before Christopher locked her inside another room in the basement.

“First off Vivian, I know your mother isn’t pure so I am going to have to apply this onto your skin.”

“What are you doing with that paint?”

“I am making you pure,” Christopher says as he begins to apply it all over her face and hands, “God intended for me to have a white daughter and I must guarantee this happens.”

“This isn’t going to help, you know that right? Genetics do not work that way!”

“Shut up!” Christopher barks, “Next I am going to check your height and weight.”

Christopher attempts to move her off the wheelchair and finds that he can not.

“You are too heavy!” Christopher complains, “You are going on a diet!”

“What? You’re just so fat that you can’t pick anything up!”

“I am not fat! The janitor tells me constantly of how handsome I look.”

Vivian fails to come up an answer to that as Christopher continues to observe Vivian from all angles.

“Do you smoke or drink?” asked Christopher.

“No, but I think I am going to start.”

“You should never smoke or drink! Those will kill you!” exclaims Christopher.

“And obesity won’t?”

“I am not fat! I already told you this! Anyway, you are really stressing me out, I just have one last thing to check over,” Christopher looks over his notes as he looks for the last factor, “Here it is, the beauty factor.”

“You already said it yourself, I ain’t pretty.”

“This is why I am going to make you pretty.”

“Oh God,” is the only thing Vivian can say as Christopher goes to work.

When Christopher wheels Vivian out of the room, Jones is stunned.

“Vivian, is that you?”

“Yes, it’s me, Jones. I look stupid.”

Vivian’s skin has been covered in white paint while her hair had been drawn completely straight down. An obscene amount of make-up was put on her face including mascara and lipstick.

“I will be back later to pick you up for our date tonight, Vivian,” announces Christopher.

“What?”

“See you at eight o’ clock!” Christopher says as he heads upstairs.

“Jones, shoot me. Shoot me, now,” Vivian pleads.

“I am sorry, Vivian. This is my fault, I should have known better than to leave him alone. I’ve thought about it and now I know why he turned out this way. He needed interaction, instead he just gathered up all he knows from television and movies and hoped it would pan out in the real world. It doesn’t. I’m sorry.”

Christopher comes to wheel Vivian up to the dining room. Vivian hides a knife in her pocket to assassinate Christopher when the time comes.

“Hello, do angels like you have names?” Christopher begins.

“Seriously, what are you doing?” Vivian asks.

“This is my first date, so, do angels like you have names?”

“I’m a Satanist.”

“I said, do angels like you have names?” he says angrily as the janitor pulls out a gun.

“Yes, my name is Vivian. Nice to meet you.”

“That’s better. Now, let’s eat. I have selected foods based on your personality type.”

Vivian opens up the cover to find a fast food burger and fries.

“What is this?”

“It is a delicious burger from Burger Palace, where all true royalty eat!” he announces as if he were an advertiser.

“This is your idea of good food?”

“I personally had many orders delivered to me as I eat this at least four times a week.”

“Do you have any other food?” asked Vivian.

“I have some frozen dinners, some boxed macaroni and cheese, instant noodles, pork rinds, and soda.”

“How about some fruit?”

“I do not have any fruit; however I have fruit drink.”

“I will have a glass of fruit drink,” Vivian requests.

The janitor walks out for a second and Vivian finds the opportunity to assassinate Christopher. She wheels herself over to him and takes out her knife. Christopher then raises his arms in surprise.

“No thank you Vivian, I can cut my own burger.”

The stench that comes from Christopher overwhelms Vivian and she is knocked out.

Chapter Fourteen: Hero

Christopher phones his old grade school friend for advice.

“Hello, this is Christopher Winnfield Vega, am I speaking to Phillip Gonzalo?”

“Christopher, man, you’ve been doing some crazy shit. Why the hell would you want to call me?” asked Phillip.

“You were always good with the ladies, I need your help.”

“I have better things to do than to help you! God damn it man!”

“If you don’t help me, I will be forced to bomb your city,” Christopher threatens.

“Chill man, we’re still buddies. You wouldn’t do that to an old pal would you?” Phillip reasons.

“Of course not, so, do you have any advice on the ladies for me?”

“Well, what kind of advice?”

“It is,” Christopher pauses for a bit, “my first time with a girl.”

“How in the hell did you, never mind. So, it’s your first time and you want to know what exactly?”

“How did your first time go?” Christopher asks.

After the phone call with Christopher ends, Phillip stares at the ceiling for a few minutes. He has watched the old grade school weirdo turn into this monster. He couldn’t believe that he called for something as pathetic as sex advice. Not to mention the fact that he’s going to have sex with something. He stops thinking about it and goes off to sleep. He dreams about his days with Christopher. He begins to dream about grade school.

“Hello, my name is Phillip.”

“My name is Christopher!” he enthusiastically responds as he shakes hands with him.

“I wonder why my friends put me up to this,” he wonders as he continues to shake hands, “So Christopher, do you want to hang out some time?”

“Sure! What will we do?”

“We could play some video games.”

“Video games? I love video games! I love Master Monster Slaves and Hyper Magician Robots! Those are my favorite series of all time! They are my heroes! I love Rabbitron and his punching moves. They are my favorite,” Christopher continues on for a few more minutes.

“Sure, come over to my house tomorrow.”

The dream changes to them at his house. Christopher is playing Hyper Magician Robots: Indigo with Phillip. Christopher begins to cry as he loses.

“Hey, it’s just a game,” says Phillip.

“Why do you always win? I am so good at this game!”

“Well, I guess I am better,” Phillip boasts.

“Impossible! I spend hours on this game every day!” shouts Christopher.

“Let’s do something else; let’s just watch some television.”

“Fine,” Christopher pouts.

The dream changes to high school where Christopher sees Phillip and his girlfriend making out.

“Hey Phillip!” Christopher shouts from across the hall.

The couple breaks off the kiss and Phillip’s girlfriend hurries away when Christopher approaches.

“What’s up Christopher?” Phillip announces.

“I was watching you tongue wrestle with that girl, how do you get a girlfriend?”

“I don’t know man; I’m just pretty good with the ladies,” Phillip shrugs.

“How do you know when to move in for the kiss? Have you two rocked the boat yet? Will you get married?” Christopher continues to bombard him with questions.

“I never see you out with any girl, you should at least try to be friends with some,” Phillip suggests.

“I do, but they all already have boyfriends!” Christopher complains.

“Well, keep trying.”

The dream changes to him writing an e-mail to him.

Christopher,

Look, I’ll set you up with a girl. She’s completely real. Just stop e-mailing me and she’ll be at your doorstep in no time.

Yours,

Phillip

Phillip wakes up with a start, “Christ, why is Christopher still alive? There is no way he is president.”

He gets up and turns on the television to see Christopher giving another announcement with his pieces of paper. He immediately turns it off. He wonders if Christopher ever understood the meaning of the last message he sent, a girl never did show up at his doorstep.

Vivian wakes up after being knocked out. She finds herself in a bed under some blankets. She realizes she is wearing no clothes. All around her, music is being played. It annoys her to no end. To the left, she sees a cabinet with some candles on it. To the right, she finds her clothes stacked neatly on top of another cabinet. She attempts to make a move for her clothes but her leg is still in too much pain. She decides to wait for Christopher or the janitor to help her out. A few minutes pass and no one has entered the room.

“Hello, Vivian,” a squeaky voice is heard coming from the open door, “I hope you are comfortable.”

“I’d be more comfortable if I had some clothes on,” she replies.

“You don’t need clothes for what’s coming up next.”

Christopher enters the door shirtless and does an excruciatingly slow walk over to the bed. He puts one arm around Vivian and slowly moves his fingers up her shoulder. Vivian’s face twitches uncontrollably, her mouth slightly agape while her mind slowly washes over in a complete daze. Her eyes slowly make her way over to Christopher who is attempting to kiss her. She immediately slaps him.

“Ow, that hurt!” Christopher whined.

“What are you doing?” Vivian shouts.

“I am clearing the curse of virginity from my body!” he announces.

“Why me? Shouldn’t you save that for Melanie?”

“My hormones are raging and I can not stand it!” he proclaims.

“Well,” she pauses attempting to think of a way out of this, “you could at least pull off a better entrance!”

“Was that not sexy enough for you?” he asks.

“No, that wasn’t sexy in the least. I am not ready for this at all until you do a proper entrance!”

Christopher exits the room and enters again. This time, he shows off his backside to Vivian while slowly making his way over. Vivian looks away in horror.

“What was wrong that time?” Christopher asked.

“It just wasn’t good!”

“Can’t we just start already?”

“No! If I don’t feel ready to do this then why should we start?”

“My hormones need taming!” he complains.

“That’s not an excuse!”

“Okay, Vivian, let me make a phone call.”

Christopher heads outside and makes another phone call to Phillip.

“Phillip, this is Christopher Winnfield Vega, I need some advice.”

“What do you need, man?” asks Phillip.

“So, I have this girl who I want to do some wrestling under the bed with and she refuses to let me have her way with her!” he complains.

“You can’t force these things to happen.”

“You seem to be able to do it!”

“That’s because I’m smooth and welcoming to the ladies. If you don’t have those qualities then there’s no way you’ll ever get laid!”

“I really want this badly, though. I have been waiting my entire adult life for this night and she is stopping me from accomplishing my dream!”

“You are being selfish; you have to think about the girl as well.”

“She’s a terrorist, though! It’s okay if she’s a terrorist!” Christopher reasons.

“Wait, who is this girl?” Phillip asks.

“She was formally one of the Terrorist Four, her name is Vivian.”

“What? I don’t even think she is of legal age!” Phillip exclaims.

“I changed the law.”

“Still, that’s terrible to do to a girl that age.”

“She’s still a terrorist!”

“Christopher, as your friend, I want you to call it off. Please, don’t do this.”

Christopher hangs up the phone in frustration, so much for a friend he thinks. He decides to pursue his goal anyway. He goes into the room where Vivian has fallen asleep and violently wakes her up.

“What, who?” shrieks Vivian as she wakes.

“Let’s go, now!” Christopher demands.

“No, we can’t!” she begs.

“You can’t stop me!” he shouts as he begins to take away the blankets covering her.

“I’m a lesbian!” she shouts.

Christopher immediately stops. He pauses for a moment and heads out the door. He soon comes back in holding a picture of Psychic Rabbichoso.

“Vivian, you know it’s not right to be gay. I want you to be straight. Repeat after me: stay straight.”

“Stay straight,” she mumbles.

“Say it louder!”

“Stay straight,” she mumbles.

“Louder!”

“Stay straight!” she screams right into the paper.

The picture of Psychic Rabbichoso floats up a bit and then comes back down, “Now, are you ready to help Christopher with his goal?”

“No.”

Christopher tears up the picture of Psychic Rabbichoso in frustration, “Why won’t you do this with me? I will force you to!”

Vivian fights off Christopher who keeps trying to get in close enough. She uses her one good leg to land a square kick into Christopher’s crotch. He falls down to the floor in pain. Vivian takes this opportunity to slowly move herself off the bed and assassinate Christopher. The janitor hears loud grunting noises coming from outside the door and just puts headphones on and walks away from the scene. Vivian manages to land on top of him and begins to choke him. Her tiny hands can’t reach around Christopher’s meaty neck. She decides instead to go for his eyes and attempts to blind him. Christopher defends himself by smacking Vivian across the face and knocking her over to the side. Vivian attempts to get her bad leg to move but it is no use; she can only squirm backwards and soon hits the wall. Desperate, she attempts one more kick to stun him once more, but this time it fails. She begins to breathe heavily and her mind slowly shuts down. Christopher slowly moves closer to her.

“I will have my way with you,” he says ominously.

Vivian spits in his face as he readies himself. Christopher ignores it and decides once more to move in for a kiss when Vivian decides to jab her fingers right into Christopher’s left eye. He screams out in pain as Vivian pulls out a battered eyeball. She attempts to go for the other eyeball but Christopher starts to run out of the room and leaves, shrieking in pain. Vivian lifts herself onto the bed and makes it to the other side of the room. She knocks over the cabinet and takes her clothes. She begins to dress herself and slowly makes her way across the hall and down into the basement where her wheelchair was left. She gets into it and spots Jones who is sleeping. She waits patiently for her punishment.

Phillip stares at the television waiting for an announcement to come on. He has been staring at the screen for hours after the second phone call from Christopher. The screen still remains pitch black as he continues to stare. Inside, he fears for the girl who is potentially being abused by Christopher. Inside, he fears for a country that has fallen into ruin. Inside, he fears Christopher.

“Hello, my name is Rabbichoso, the Vice-President of the United States,” Christopher announces from off screen, “The president will be on a short vacation and while he is gone I will be in charge of the United States. My first act will be to officially fire Secretary of Dating, Psychic Rabbichoso. He has failed to do his duty into making sure everyone in the country stayed straight. My second act will call for an increased reward for the capture of Miles, Mimi and Kid. If you can bring them back alive with Melanie and Shana in tow as well, you will become the next president of the United States. That is all.”

Phillip continues to stare at the screen after the announcement has finished. He can only wonder what truly goes on in Christopher’s office and can only pray for the best.